The Hummingbirds

I sat on my porch with my coffee today and saw the cutest little hummingbirds. They were clearly a couple of some kind. Cute as can be, singing and flying all around together. They were enjoying my honeysuckle tree. Assuming the bigger one was the male, he lead the way as they advanced from flower to flower on the tree. She followed his lead happily Enjoying all the stops along the way. And then when it was time to leave she took the lead and guided him to the next tree. There she started following his lead again, from flower to flower. They repeated this pattern about three times before they flew away---together and in sync with each other.

It was a "stop and smell the roses" minute for me as I watched them do their morning dance. The hummingbirds come each morning but this is the first time I have seen them together. It was beautiful and fascinating and thought provoking.

How interesting to see this little bird couple do their dance together. She followed his lead to each and every flower, enjoying each stop and yielding to him--- almost in a trusting and secure way, knowing that each place he would led her would be as enjoyable as the last. And he followed her to the next destination, as though he enjoyed the mystery of where she would take him.

They were caring for one another, enjoying the morning and they seemed very happy. Joy in its purest form.

Then only one came back. The male I think (he had a turquoise spot). And I couldn't help but wonder where his companion had gone. I imagined that
She was busy with the tasks of the day, doing her own big picture thing. While He came back on his own contented to enjoy the fruits that they had been enjoying together. Doing his own thing. I hope to see them come back together again. I can't be sure they will, no guarantee in nature. But my instinct says that I will. So perhaps I will invest in a bird feeder to encourage it. As busy as I am I can surely squeeze that in, as I would enjoy the return and in a brief moment I became very fond of them. I can commit to that :-)

I will continue to do what I always do, sit in this same spot most mornings with my morning coffee. But now I will pay attention and look for them each day and enjoy what nature brings. And whether I see them or not I will think of them and smile. And surely miss them when they don't come. But be comforted by my thoughts of the cute little hummingbirds.

The Dance Card

I admit that I did I did not listen to any one's advise about dating after I became officially single again after a decade of marriage.  Headstrong? Stubborn? Needing to figure things out on my own?  Yes to all of the above.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and I want to go on record right now to my friends who told me to "slow your roll", "don't jump in too fast" and "take the time to actually enjoy your new found freedom" and, as my Grandmother used to say, enjoy having a "dance card".  You know who you are and listen up because I will probably never utter these words again.  But...YOU WERE RIGHT!!!  LOL. There. I said it.


As I reflect on my dating habits all the way back to my young adulthood I always did have only one man in my life at a time.  I always have been a one-man-woman.  So when I was suddenly free to date again at the age of 40something what do you think I did?  DING DING DING!  Prize to the lady over their in the black who answered correctly: I fell for someone.  Which was the disaster one would expect.  Hated the word "rebound".  Not that I even knew I was on the rebound.  Heartbreak loomed. And then, if that wasn't bad enough I repeated it again (minus the heartbreak this time).  Not so much of a disaster but still, no cigar.  And it didn't take me long to figure out a few things.  The most important thing was that as happy as I was to be free to do ME again I had to go through the Five Stages of Grief just like everyone else.  No shortcuts.  No passing go.  No collecting a damned thing until that important work was done.


I admit now that I got stuck in the first stage, DENIAL.  I was the happiest divorced woman you had ever met. That should have been clue number one but, of course, I was so "happily" busy with the task of rebuilding my life in the image I wanted and reclaiming my old life---so I didn't know that I was stuck like a dear in the proverbial headlights.  And I mean I was changing everything!  New job, new house, new state, new attitude, new everything...and of course a man that I was crazy for.  I had worked on self long enough, right? Mediation, working out, yoga, spiritual pilgrimage, eating well, good reads, checked the ego, smelling the roses again...I was in control of my emotions and could handle the man part.  For a few years I had been working on ME and consciously kept the male species at bay while I did so.  So I was finally ready, right?!?!  Not for love, but ready to connect and engage and let some armor down. In one word: NOT EVEN CLOSE to being ready.  Okay, more than one word.  But so true in retrospect.


Flash forward to today.  The happy ending is that I "got it" before I hit another wall.  Can't claim that the work is complete---is it ever?---but I can say that instead of wearing the baggage of unfinished business I am, instead, enjoying wearing my Dance Card just as the 18th Century Viennese ladies did so ornately on their wrists and ball gowns. Its a phrase that my grandmother used to use.  I never really knew what a dance card was but I loved the phrase the first time I heard it and never forgot it.  And now that she is gone I get what she was trying to tell me when she used the phrase.  This is the first time in my life that I have ever had a dance card.  And, by the way Dance Card is full.  






Happy Hunting!


Penelope
=-)


      

The Choice

I had dinner with the family this past Sunday and had a very deep conversation with one of the ladies.  She is a relative by marriage who I absolutely adore.  She is a little younger than I am (well, a lot---she is 28), also a Scorpio (although about as "evolved a Scorpio woman as I was at 28) and she is married to a man who I grew up with and know very well.  When she wants to talk about her relationship issues I try to be objective, be a good listener and very supportive of her.  Most importantly I have to be gentle and tactful with her because she always seems to be on a bit of an emotional bubble lately.  One wrong move and she will either be in hysterics with the tears or cursing you out or both.    

She likes to talk to me about her relationship problems because she knows that I really do know where she is AT right now, what she is struggling with.  She is on the brink of a new life stage (just like potty-training and wearing big girl panties was a milestone, so is turning 28), living with the choices she has made, unhappy about many of them and trying to harness the strength and clarity to do something about the shit that's not right in her.  She knows I get that. And she also knows that I not only came out the other side BUT that I emerged a victor, just as I know she can.  So I like to be there for her, let her know what a lot of young women don't seem to understand when they are going through life's ups and downs: that there are women who have gone before them and have dealt with the same stuff; that they are a not a pioneers in this arena.  They are not alone. And will will be victorious.

Her issue of the moment is a very sensitive one.  Its about her weight and how much she has gained and how its jacking up her self-esteem and jacking up her relationship.  She tearfully shared how she hates how she looks with no clothes on, how she feels unattractive, how she cries when she looks at old photos of herself and on and on.  She went on to talk about how she thinks her husband has been cheating on her, and how he doesn't seem to be as interested in sex as he used to be and how he told her in so many words that he is not pleased with her weight gain or the attitude and episodes that has come along with it.  She said she was angry with him for not liking that she has gotten "heavy", and angrier with herself for letting herself get that way and for caring so much about what he thinks when she brings home the ice cream and that she wants to do something about it but she doesn't know what.  WOW.  I knew I was getting into some deep waters with this conversation and I almost retreated!  But I love her so I decided to put on my bikini and jump in.  

I told her she could not repair her relationship with her husband until she did some work on her own self. I told her to stop crying and make this the moment that she made a simple decision: to get healthy and in shape.  Period.  Now, I know there were certainly many issues at play here (and I wasn't EVEN gonna touch those), and I am not a therapist, but I have learned a little something about taking care of self, and I also have learned how that process can repair so many of the other broken things in your life, things that are barriers to the kind of unhappiness she was expressing.  There are no easy fixes but their are easy choices to make.  So I challenged her to stop playing mind games with herself, put on those big girl panties and MAKE ONE.  

She was listening.  Through her tears she really was.  "Easier said than done!" she barked at me.  "You don't know what its like to be fat!" she screamed.  And I knew THAT was coming.  After all, I weigh in at about 108 so what could I possibly know about being fat?  Well, I can't say that I know what its like to be obese but I do know what its like to be out of shape, over weight and not like to shop because trying on clothes in those mirrors made me feel like going out into the food court and eating a whole pizza by myself.  I will tell you that I am naturally petite but not naturally "thin".  Not by a long shot.  Fat is a relative term.  It means NOT HEALTHY, NO SELF LOVE, OUT OF CONTROL---and that I absolutely do know about.  Knowing that I could not motivate her (we have to find that within ourselves) I figured that I could at least attempt to inspire her.  So I told her about my personal experience with battling the weight demon. 

To make a long story short I found myself like most women do after having children.  I had gained lots of extra weight that was not at all in the right places, could not fit any of the clothes hanging in my closet, hid behind baggy clothes, stopped "fixing myself up" because I had a good excuse (the kids) and secretly self-loathed.  And lets just say that my outer life and relationships reflected what the inner turmoil was manifesting. Now, what inspires everyone is different.  In a perfect PC world I would be typing that what inspired me to change was not something outside of myself (i.e. the desire to be healthy---that came later).  This is a blog, after all.  Real talk.  No, what inspired me was two things: One, I was going back to work at 40 years old after being home with my kids and I knew I needed to compete with the 28 year-olds who were confident and still looking genetically fabulous (in the beauty industry the competition is fierce).  And, two, in anticipation of being newly single I knew that I did not want to be insecure about my body.  There. I said it.  

So, I simply made a choice one day to start taking care of ME.  I broke up with my relationship with carbs and soda, got on a realistic nutrition plan, started working out and before I knew it I was looking and feeling better than I could even remember.  What started out as a chore transitioned into a commitment, then changed into a lifestyle.  What I did not know was how looking and feeling good again would change me so much on the inside.  When my self love strengthened so did my relationships.  My outer world began to reflect my personal growth and inner strength.  Even my spirit world deepened as I was able to live life more "unconsciously", without so much labor and without playing so many mind games with myself.  I discovered new things that I had passion for at the age of 40.  Weight lifting, for one.  I prefer the "mind f*ck" of a physical challenge like a hiking trail that the "mind f*ck" of talking myself out of doing something I know will benefit me.  I was even inspired to get certified to teach of other women about weight loss, nutrition and fitness.  This experience also allowed me to experience growth in another area: sisterhood.  I rediscovered the specialness of having strong women in your life and forgot how much I missed it.  And to think that all of this was inspired my vanity and "the competition" out there.  Whatever works, right?  I would tell anyone to be honest about what inspires you and go with THAT.

As far as relationships with men go---after all, this IS a blog about relationships---I will tell you clearly that the benefits of dating when you are healthy, in shape and in "self love" (at any weight or build) is a totally different experience.  Its as if someone gives you the keys to a city.  You actually have the self confidence to date the kind of man you feel you deserve and walk away from the ones who don't deserve you.  You are more likely to attract like-minded men who are confident and care for themselves versus controlling men who need to fix you instead of the getting their own therapy.  Your standards and expectations of yourself are high and you can demand that thoughtlessly from the men in your life.  I know that the type of man that I am attracted to now is very different than the man I was attracted to back when I did not have my head and health together.  Again, its that manifestation of the inner that I spoke about earlier.  And I could write an entire post about the sex...!  And perhaps I will soon.  But I digress.  Lets get back to my girl who was in pain....

I cannot say for sure that I inspired her to pull up her socks on that day and make her decision but I can say for sure that she was listening.  And she did get where I was coming from.  I need to check back in with her.  Hopefully she is not back to being busy creating the noise in her life that kept her from seeing the brick wall from coming that she hit.  Or she will surely hit it again.  But it doesn't matter.  Because I have sister love for her and will be there for her no matter what.  And I can't wait for the day to come that she sees in herself what I see in her.  That will surely be the day that she makes "the choice".

Heartbreak is Like Herpes

Heartbreak is Like Herpes

Since the 1980's I have always known that one day I would write, always pictured myself with a typewriter (okay, so its a very dated vision) perched at a beautiful desk in a leather chair in front of a picture window with a view of the Pacific, seagulls and perhaps sea lions to keep me company as I produced the great novel.  As a well-traveled African American young woman I envisioned the novel would be about my exotic travels to the many foreign lands I had visited and had yet to visit, perhaps about the unique experiences I have had abroad.  I never knew exactly when I would write or what I would write about. I just new that it would be noble and intellectual. I had a strong sense of knowing that the inspiration would one day come and the time to sit down and let words pour out of my fingertips would then follow.

Flash forward to the millennial.  I didn't realize nor plan for today to the THE day.  I find myself sitting with a laptop, not a typewriter.  My medium is not a novel at all, its a blog.  My rear end is firmly planted in a wicker chair versus luxury leather.  My "desk" is the table to my patio set.  I am looking out at a mountain view with lizards and rabbits as my friends, versus looking through a glass window pane with sea animals as my colleagues.  And with all of my personal and professional travels around the globe since the 80's, of all of the many interesting stories I could tell from the most unique of perspectives, I have come to know exactly what will leave my heart and mind, journey through my hands to meet your eyes.  Holy cow, I realize right now in this moment that my past and present have surely connected as I always knew they would.  It looks and feels a little different than I imagined, but is comfortably familiar.

Lets just say that heartbreak is an irresistible and  powerful motivator to a writer.  I'm just learning that myself first hand.  One need only take a stroll down the aisles of a bookstore or a surf on the net to see that.  And its not like the world really needs one more article, book or blog about a woman's woes in the relationship department. And of all of the powerful epic stores I could potentially tell, its a little embarrassing that I would  select such a potentially shallow and over-used topic.  Intellectual?  Hardly.  But these fingers have to go where they will.  And besides, the topic picked me, I didn't really pick IT.

Its a crying shame, really, that I experienced my first brush with heartbreak at the ripe old age of 41.  How come it couldn't be at the age of 16 like all the other women I know?  How come it couldn't have happened with my first high-school-boyfriend? Or my first true-love-live-in when I was college age? Or even my ex-husband of 11 years?  Needless to say I am swimming in foreign emotional waters and at my age its not pretty.  What an intrusion it has been in fact!  Didn't God know that I am an accomplished professional, with a very satisfying life, two sons to raise and the world still to take on?  Is this a Karma thing or a Freudian thing or the universe's idea of a bad joke thing?  I don't have TIME for licking wounds and figuring it out, I have shit to do! 

Perhaps I should mention what happened. I have been avoiding that so far.  I re-met and fell in love with an old friend from my childhood.  It was my first relationship after my divorce although I think he would call our union something else if you asked him about it now.  Love at first sight---again.  Being with him was like finding myself in a dark room for a long time and then suddenly someone just flicks bright lights on.  He swept me off my feet and took me to the moon for about six months.  The six months that would follow was a slow ascension into relationship hell and it finally came to an emotional but mutual end.  Mostly over him not being able to commit emotionally due to "personal issues in his life"; issues that he spent the collective year crying on my shoulder about, so much so that they became my own.  But that was cool, he needed me! Besides, I had issues of my own so I understood, right?  Right.  In the end, to use his words, "I love you, its just not our time".  Okay, I'll buy that.  Waited long enough for him to come around. Loved him but had to let him go.  No harm, no foul, right?  Wrong.

Come to find out that while he was sweeping me off my feet, professing his love, taking me to the moon and sopping up my vulnerability like a biscuit, he took his "ex" on a trip, had regular bootie-calls and was even dating at the same time as me someone that he not only met on Facebook but was best friends with a friend of mine.  He even moved in with Ms. Facebook within a few short weeks of our "break-up".  Needless to say he got over his commitment phobia pretty quickly!  And what I got was my first official brush with rejection and heartbreak.  Typical story of a smart woman who makes dumb choices.  But why I had to make such bad choices at this stage of my life when I am at the top of game in every other area?  Well, I am still trying to figure it out.  

Now, its been long enough that I can say that I am completely over him and the relationship itself.  I'm still dealing with some of the emotional issues it left behind.  My wounds are mostly to my very large ego.  But I am re-reading a good book on the subject of checking the ego.  And don't think for a hot second that my dive into "foreign emotional waters" has discouraged me from taking another swim.  Certainly I have some complicated feelings and emotions that need to be sorted out.  No rush.  But don't we all? Isn't that what we call "baggage"?  Well, I've got THAT.  

I have dated others since then and I really have moved on.  Over it completely.   My Dad told me once that men are like RTD Buses---just stand still long enough and one will be by in about ten minutes.  And he is so right.  There has been no shortage of suitors since that break-up.  Since then I have even met someone that I really do like a lot.  I am not afraid to learn life's lessons and live life fully and figure it out along the way.  But I am the first to admit that heartbreak at the age of 41 is for the birds.  Its probably kind of like herpes---you never really get rid of it, occasionally need meds and you can get an outbreak at unexpected times.

The "LIST"

The "List"

I write everything down. And I mean EVERYTHING.  I have a Franklin Planner which i have used like religion  for 20 years.  I have a notepad in every room of the house for the various lists.  I have a journal for my thoughts.  I keep a notebook by the bed for when I wake up with a sudden brainstorm.  I even bookmark and print out those Top 10 Lists from the Internet---the best wines, places to go on a date, cleaning tips....  I love lists.  I am a total Type A personality, and slightly O.C.D. so lists are a part of my overly-organized and planned out daily life.  Lists are a mania, I know... but I love them!  You name a topic, I surely have a list for it. If not, I will gladly make one.

Strange that I don't have a any lists about dating.  How did THAT ever get by me?  To think I have been navigating this important arena without a map.  No wonder I have had so many detours!  So I have decided to make two lists.  One for me to keep and tape to my bathroom mirror (kind of my Constitution, still working on THAT one), and one (below) as a handout to all potential dinner dates (not literally lol).

If you REALLY Want to "Get Me": Top 10 Things You Should Know About Me 

1. I am easy-going but "casual" is not a word that describes me.  Lets face it.  I do everything with a purpose.  At my age I don't go out on a date or talk on the phone with a man just for kicks.  If I make the time its because I am interested in getting to know him. With all of the demands and responsibilities I have (as I should) I can only make time only for things that are a priority or potentially important to me.  So please understand if I take seriously the plans we make and get impatient with a "casual" attitude toward my time and commitments.

2. I am not necessarily interested in getting married.  I was told by a male-friend that saying this to a man too early may lead to misunderstanding; that this may be a blow to his ego, that he may think that there is no "potential" and that getting involved with me is a waste of time.  Or that I just want sex (only a man could make that connection).  But I think its important to get it that out there early.  I am certainly reserving the right to change my mind---after all, I AM a woman---but lets be clear that getting married is not in my Five Year Plan.  Likely not in my 10 Year Plan, either.  Nothing at all against marriage, its just not where I am.

3. I am open to companionship and commitment.  So perhaps I should clarify that just because I am not interested in a husband does not mean that I am not interested in a relationship.  I describe myself as a "one man woman".  I am from the old school when boy meets girl, boy pursues girl, boy really likes girl, boy has no problem letting girl know he likes her, boy and girl get to know one another, and if all is well boy and girl have a romance and all is good. This second-to-last step would not be the stage for me to "discover" that you are not interested in a relationship.  That would just be a waste of my time.  Refer back to #1 if you have any questions at all about how I feel about my time. Companionship and partnership and commitment is very appealing to me at this life stage, something that I am very actively open to.  Looking for?  Not necessarily.  But I am open to when I find it. If you are not open to the natural progression of things then I can go out to dinner with a girlfriend instead and we are all good.

4. I am attracted to men who are independent and respect mine. I believe that I can add to the quality of a man's life without BEING the quality of his life.  I don't want the responsibility that goes along with being someones sole source of oxygen.  I love a man that is busy doing things that he loves, that are important to him, that he has passion for.  There is nothing more attractive to me then a man with a hobby, a career, his own thing.  Its important that we have some things in common but its not necessary to have everything in common.  Having personal space, privacy and alone time is, to me, just as important as having intimate time together.  I am fiercely independent but, at the same time, enjoy taking care of those I love.  I just can not hang out with needy people.  

5. I am not interested in having a relationship with your voice mail or sharing the sand box.  If you have said any of the following in the past year and these sentences are still in your doctrine than chances are you and I are not a match: "Don't get mad if I don't return your calls but I am open to sex"; "I am busy all the time with _____(fill in the blank) which is why I text all the time instead of calling but I am open to sex"; or "I don't have time for a relationship but I am open to sex".  I think this one is self explanatory but if i need to clarify it for you I can.  I have no fear of being vulnerable but I am not a masochist.

My love language is a combination of Time and Attention and Communication.    I am not excessively demanding of any one's time but I do appreciate knowing that I am important enough to you that you make me feel like a priority if I in fact I am.  I do the same for those who are important to me.   Sometimes I know it because you show me by spending quality time with me, being available to me when I have quality time to share or calling me to wake me up in the morning before the demands of the day take over.  Or sometimes I will know because you verbally TELL me I am important to you.  And sometimes its a combination of the two.  But I must know and not have to question this.  Being an afterthought or being taken for granted is a deal breaker for sure.

7. I can be emotionally expensive.  My male cousin once described me as an "Essence Woman".  I was flattered and didn't know what exactly he meant by it but it seemed at the moment that it was a compliment and it felt like I was standing in some shoes that were a couple of sizes large for me.  But as we talked further, I got it.  I have a career so I don't need a man to validate my existence.  I am divorced so I don't suffer from the Man on a White Horse syndrome; I have children so I don't have biological clock issues.  I have worked hard to be able to provide a good living for myself and my children so I don't need someone to split the bills.  So if I am into you for anything its because I am into YOU----you as a man, you as an individual, you as a friend and partner. Now, that kind of eyeball-to-eyeball no holds bar level of intimacy can be very scary for the one that does not wish to know someone that well, or desire to be truly transparent to another.  Some men (and some women) actually choose to fill up their lives with the loud background noise of jobs and friends and kids and finances and errands and such in order to avoid true intimacy.  But, to me, emotional intimacy is quiet.  That's a tall order for many, and an emotionally expensive one.  If your emotional pockets are not that deep than perhaps I know a good friend to introduce you to? 

8. I can be spontaneous but I am a "planner".  I am not one that needs to leave their options open.  Occasionally its necessary.  However, people (men) that do that all the time, in my opinion, are people that either have so little control of their time that the left hand does not know what the right hand is doing OR  people that can not commit. Either one of those is unattractive to me and sends the wrong message.  I am a planner.  Its how I cope with the demands of a busy lifestyle.  Its how I manage to appear as though I am doing it all effortlessly when I am not.  Its how I prioritize my free time.  So please do not get get annoyed with me when I ask you to commit to the when and where. Its not because I am trying to control you but because I have to keep control of my time.  Can I be spontaneous?  Absolutely.  But there is a difference in being spur-of-the-moment and being non-committal.  

9.  I get really bad PMS.  Okay, I do know that this is a Pandora's box but how many countless relationships have broken up or not even gotten started because of this?  Hormones are no joke, and PMS is real.  So please understand that as hard as I work to keep it in check I may, on a regular schedule, cry (literally) over spilled milk or the sky falling.  I suggest keeping track of it on a yellow-sticky note on the computer if we are going to be friends.  Perhaps plan a golf outing with the fellas or go visit your mom during that time.  Or just deal with me patiently and lovingly.  If you can't then we are destined for failure.

10. Can I be blunt? Can you?  Partly due to my life experience, partly due to my personality I do tend say what I mean and I mean what I say.  This is not meant to be confrontational or intimidating to a man.  I think its actually a great thing. The thing that is awesome about it (for those who can appreciate it) is that you will always know where I stand on an issue or how I feel.  You won't ever have to do mental gymnastics to try and figure out "what I mean" by this or that.  Just watch and listen, the two will always match.  And I can take it, too, if you have something to say.  I may not like it but I always appreciate honesty and communication.   I realize that not everyone has the same communication style, and its not necessary. I, however,need to be free to be honest and express myself without feeling I have to "edit" all the time for fear of scaring you with my intensity or being misunderstood.

Happy Hunting!

Penelope