She likes to talk to me about her relationship problems because she knows that I really do know where she is AT right now, what she is struggling with. She is on the brink of a new life stage (just like potty-training and wearing big girl panties was a milestone, so is turning 28), living with the choices she has made, unhappy about many of them and trying to harness the strength and clarity to do something about the shit that's not right in her. She knows I get that. And she also knows that I not only came out the other side BUT that I emerged a victor, just as I know she can. So I like to be there for her, let her know what a lot of young women don't seem to understand when they are going through life's ups and downs: that there are women who have gone before them and have dealt with the same stuff; that they are a not a pioneers in this arena. They are not alone. And will will be victorious.
Her issue of the moment is a very sensitive one. Its about her weight and how much she has gained and how its jacking up her self-esteem and jacking up her relationship. She tearfully shared how she hates how she looks with no clothes on, how she feels unattractive, how she cries when she looks at old photos of herself and on and on. She went on to talk about how she thinks her husband has been cheating on her, and how he doesn't seem to be as interested in sex as he used to be and how he told her in so many words that he is not pleased with her weight gain or the attitude and episodes that has come along with it. She said she was angry with him for not liking that she has gotten "heavy", and angrier with herself for letting herself get that way and for caring so much about what he thinks when she brings home the ice cream and that she wants to do something about it but she doesn't know what. WOW. I knew I was getting into some deep waters with this conversation and I almost retreated! But I love her so I decided to put on my bikini and jump in.
I told her she could not repair her relationship with her husband until she did some work on her own self. I told her to stop crying and make this the moment that she made a simple decision: to get healthy and in shape. Period. Now, I know there were certainly many issues at play here (and I wasn't EVEN gonna touch those), and I am not a therapist, but I have learned a little something about taking care of self, and I also have learned how that process can repair so many of the other broken things in your life, things that are barriers to the kind of unhappiness she was expressing. There are no easy fixes but their are easy choices to make. So I challenged her to stop playing mind games with herself, put on those big girl panties and MAKE ONE.
She was listening. Through her tears she really was. "Easier said than done!" she barked at me. "You don't know what its like to be fat!" she screamed. And I knew THAT was coming. After all, I weigh in at about 108 so what could I possibly know about being fat? Well, I can't say that I know what its like to be obese but I do know what its like to be out of shape, over weight and not like to shop because trying on clothes in those mirrors made me feel like going out into the food court and eating a whole pizza by myself. I will tell you that I am naturally petite but not naturally "thin". Not by a long shot. Fat is a relative term. It means NOT HEALTHY, NO SELF LOVE, OUT OF CONTROL---and that I absolutely do know about. Knowing that I could not motivate her (we have to find that within ourselves) I figured that I could at least attempt to inspire her. So I told her about my personal experience with battling the weight demon.
To make a long story short I found myself like most women do after having children. I had gained lots of extra weight that was not at all in the right places, could not fit any of the clothes hanging in my closet, hid behind baggy clothes, stopped "fixing myself up" because I had a good excuse (the kids) and secretly self-loathed. And lets just say that my outer life and relationships reflected what the inner turmoil was manifesting. Now, what inspires everyone is different. In a perfect PC world I would be typing that what inspired me to change was not something outside of myself (i.e. the desire to be healthy---that came later). This is a blog, after all. Real talk. No, what inspired me was two things: One, I was going back to work at 40 years old after being home with my kids and I knew I needed to compete with the 28 year-olds who were confident and still looking genetically fabulous (in the beauty industry the competition is fierce). And, two, in anticipation of being newly single I knew that I did not want to be insecure about my body. There. I said it.
So, I simply made a choice one day to start taking care of ME. I broke up with my relationship with carbs and soda, got on a realistic nutrition plan, started working out and before I knew it I was looking and feeling better than I could even remember. What started out as a chore transitioned into a commitment, then changed into a lifestyle. What I did not know was how looking and feeling good again would change me so much on the inside. When my self love strengthened so did my relationships. My outer world began to reflect my personal growth and inner strength. Even my spirit world deepened as I was able to live life more "unconsciously", without so much labor and without playing so many mind games with myself. I discovered new things that I had passion for at the age of 40. Weight lifting, for one. I prefer the "mind f*ck" of a physical challenge like a hiking trail that the "mind f*ck" of talking myself out of doing something I know will benefit me. I was even inspired to get certified to teach of other women about weight loss, nutrition and fitness. This experience also allowed me to experience growth in another area: sisterhood. I rediscovered the specialness of having strong women in your life and forgot how much I missed it. And to think that all of this was inspired my vanity and "the competition" out there. Whatever works, right? I would tell anyone to be honest about what inspires you and go with THAT.
As far as relationships with men go---after all, this IS a blog about relationships---I will tell you clearly that the benefits of dating when you are healthy, in shape and in "self love" (at any weight or build) is a totally different experience. Its as if someone gives you the keys to a city. You actually have the self confidence to date the kind of man you feel you deserve and walk away from the ones who don't deserve you. You are more likely to attract like-minded men who are confident and care for themselves versus controlling men who need to fix you instead of the getting their own therapy. Your standards and expectations of yourself are high and you can demand that thoughtlessly from the men in your life. I know that the type of man that I am attracted to now is very different than the man I was attracted to back when I did not have my head and health together. Again, its that manifestation of the inner that I spoke about earlier. And I could write an entire post about the sex...! And perhaps I will soon. But I digress. Lets get back to my girl who was in pain....
I cannot say for sure that I inspired her to pull up her socks on that day and make her decision but I can say for sure that she was listening. And she did get where I was coming from. I need to check back in with her. Hopefully she is not back to being busy creating the noise in her life that kept her from seeing the brick wall from coming that she hit. Or she will surely hit it again. But it doesn't matter. Because I have sister love for her and will be there for her no matter what. And I can't wait for the day to come that she sees in herself what I see in her. That will surely be the day that she makes "the choice".
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