The "LIST"

The "List"

I write everything down. And I mean EVERYTHING.  I have a Franklin Planner which i have used like religion  for 20 years.  I have a notepad in every room of the house for the various lists.  I have a journal for my thoughts.  I keep a notebook by the bed for when I wake up with a sudden brainstorm.  I even bookmark and print out those Top 10 Lists from the Internet---the best wines, places to go on a date, cleaning tips....  I love lists.  I am a total Type A personality, and slightly O.C.D. so lists are a part of my overly-organized and planned out daily life.  Lists are a mania, I know... but I love them!  You name a topic, I surely have a list for it. If not, I will gladly make one.

Strange that I don't have a any lists about dating.  How did THAT ever get by me?  To think I have been navigating this important arena without a map.  No wonder I have had so many detours!  So I have decided to make two lists.  One for me to keep and tape to my bathroom mirror (kind of my Constitution, still working on THAT one), and one (below) as a handout to all potential dinner dates (not literally lol).

If you REALLY Want to "Get Me": Top 10 Things You Should Know About Me 

1. I am easy-going but "casual" is not a word that describes me.  Lets face it.  I do everything with a purpose.  At my age I don't go out on a date or talk on the phone with a man just for kicks.  If I make the time its because I am interested in getting to know him. With all of the demands and responsibilities I have (as I should) I can only make time only for things that are a priority or potentially important to me.  So please understand if I take seriously the plans we make and get impatient with a "casual" attitude toward my time and commitments.

2. I am not necessarily interested in getting married.  I was told by a male-friend that saying this to a man too early may lead to misunderstanding; that this may be a blow to his ego, that he may think that there is no "potential" and that getting involved with me is a waste of time.  Or that I just want sex (only a man could make that connection).  But I think its important to get it that out there early.  I am certainly reserving the right to change my mind---after all, I AM a woman---but lets be clear that getting married is not in my Five Year Plan.  Likely not in my 10 Year Plan, either.  Nothing at all against marriage, its just not where I am.

3. I am open to companionship and commitment.  So perhaps I should clarify that just because I am not interested in a husband does not mean that I am not interested in a relationship.  I describe myself as a "one man woman".  I am from the old school when boy meets girl, boy pursues girl, boy really likes girl, boy has no problem letting girl know he likes her, boy and girl get to know one another, and if all is well boy and girl have a romance and all is good. This second-to-last step would not be the stage for me to "discover" that you are not interested in a relationship.  That would just be a waste of my time.  Refer back to #1 if you have any questions at all about how I feel about my time. Companionship and partnership and commitment is very appealing to me at this life stage, something that I am very actively open to.  Looking for?  Not necessarily.  But I am open to when I find it. If you are not open to the natural progression of things then I can go out to dinner with a girlfriend instead and we are all good.

4. I am attracted to men who are independent and respect mine. I believe that I can add to the quality of a man's life without BEING the quality of his life.  I don't want the responsibility that goes along with being someones sole source of oxygen.  I love a man that is busy doing things that he loves, that are important to him, that he has passion for.  There is nothing more attractive to me then a man with a hobby, a career, his own thing.  Its important that we have some things in common but its not necessary to have everything in common.  Having personal space, privacy and alone time is, to me, just as important as having intimate time together.  I am fiercely independent but, at the same time, enjoy taking care of those I love.  I just can not hang out with needy people.  

5. I am not interested in having a relationship with your voice mail or sharing the sand box.  If you have said any of the following in the past year and these sentences are still in your doctrine than chances are you and I are not a match: "Don't get mad if I don't return your calls but I am open to sex"; "I am busy all the time with _____(fill in the blank) which is why I text all the time instead of calling but I am open to sex"; or "I don't have time for a relationship but I am open to sex".  I think this one is self explanatory but if i need to clarify it for you I can.  I have no fear of being vulnerable but I am not a masochist.

My love language is a combination of Time and Attention and Communication.    I am not excessively demanding of any one's time but I do appreciate knowing that I am important enough to you that you make me feel like a priority if I in fact I am.  I do the same for those who are important to me.   Sometimes I know it because you show me by spending quality time with me, being available to me when I have quality time to share or calling me to wake me up in the morning before the demands of the day take over.  Or sometimes I will know because you verbally TELL me I am important to you.  And sometimes its a combination of the two.  But I must know and not have to question this.  Being an afterthought or being taken for granted is a deal breaker for sure.

7. I can be emotionally expensive.  My male cousin once described me as an "Essence Woman".  I was flattered and didn't know what exactly he meant by it but it seemed at the moment that it was a compliment and it felt like I was standing in some shoes that were a couple of sizes large for me.  But as we talked further, I got it.  I have a career so I don't need a man to validate my existence.  I am divorced so I don't suffer from the Man on a White Horse syndrome; I have children so I don't have biological clock issues.  I have worked hard to be able to provide a good living for myself and my children so I don't need someone to split the bills.  So if I am into you for anything its because I am into YOU----you as a man, you as an individual, you as a friend and partner. Now, that kind of eyeball-to-eyeball no holds bar level of intimacy can be very scary for the one that does not wish to know someone that well, or desire to be truly transparent to another.  Some men (and some women) actually choose to fill up their lives with the loud background noise of jobs and friends and kids and finances and errands and such in order to avoid true intimacy.  But, to me, emotional intimacy is quiet.  That's a tall order for many, and an emotionally expensive one.  If your emotional pockets are not that deep than perhaps I know a good friend to introduce you to? 

8. I can be spontaneous but I am a "planner".  I am not one that needs to leave their options open.  Occasionally its necessary.  However, people (men) that do that all the time, in my opinion, are people that either have so little control of their time that the left hand does not know what the right hand is doing OR  people that can not commit. Either one of those is unattractive to me and sends the wrong message.  I am a planner.  Its how I cope with the demands of a busy lifestyle.  Its how I manage to appear as though I am doing it all effortlessly when I am not.  Its how I prioritize my free time.  So please do not get get annoyed with me when I ask you to commit to the when and where. Its not because I am trying to control you but because I have to keep control of my time.  Can I be spontaneous?  Absolutely.  But there is a difference in being spur-of-the-moment and being non-committal.  

9.  I get really bad PMS.  Okay, I do know that this is a Pandora's box but how many countless relationships have broken up or not even gotten started because of this?  Hormones are no joke, and PMS is real.  So please understand that as hard as I work to keep it in check I may, on a regular schedule, cry (literally) over spilled milk or the sky falling.  I suggest keeping track of it on a yellow-sticky note on the computer if we are going to be friends.  Perhaps plan a golf outing with the fellas or go visit your mom during that time.  Or just deal with me patiently and lovingly.  If you can't then we are destined for failure.

10. Can I be blunt? Can you?  Partly due to my life experience, partly due to my personality I do tend say what I mean and I mean what I say.  This is not meant to be confrontational or intimidating to a man.  I think its actually a great thing. The thing that is awesome about it (for those who can appreciate it) is that you will always know where I stand on an issue or how I feel.  You won't ever have to do mental gymnastics to try and figure out "what I mean" by this or that.  Just watch and listen, the two will always match.  And I can take it, too, if you have something to say.  I may not like it but I always appreciate honesty and communication.   I realize that not everyone has the same communication style, and its not necessary. I, however,need to be free to be honest and express myself without feeling I have to "edit" all the time for fear of scaring you with my intensity or being misunderstood.

Happy Hunting!

Penelope